Why I'm happy to be a Single Mother

Instead of being incredibly bitter about the situation that Monkey's biological has put us in by deciding to be an absent parent - I've decided to see the positive in the situation.

I don't have to co-parent with anyone. All decisions regarding raising Monkey are made by me - and only me. I get to decide when she potty trains. I get to decide when she does everything. I don't have to check with another parent about anything.

I get to take all the credit when she does anything amazing (the flip side to this situation is anything that she does wrong is also a reflection on me - but oh well.) I get to take credit for the fact that she is an incredibly HAPPY little girl. And incredibly smart.

I'm the person she cries for when she's hurt, unhappy, and all of the various other things that children need their parents for. It still melts my heart every time she says "Mamao" (because my child is strange, and calls me Mamao, instead of mama or mommy).

I'll be the person thats there for her through everything. And I hope that later in life that I'll be the person that she comes to when she wants to talk about things. I want to be her mom and her confidant. Much like my mom has become my friend.

edited to add: Just wanted to update about my lump - it turned out to be an ingrown hair after all - so no worries! Yay!!!

Easter Pic

Because I apparently only thought to take one picture Sunday.

I am a horrible mother.

But she is too stinkin cute!!!!!

Boob Lumps

Two weeks ago, I discovered a small lump in my armpit - just beside my boob (sorry if you didn't really want to know that but truth be told, we all know I'm a little less reserved than I should be). It hasn't gone away yet, but hasn't gotten any bigger either. It just appeared out of nowhere too. And, it hurts a little.

So, I've got an appointment to get it looked at by my doctor-who-isn't-a-doctor-but-an-ARNP on Friday. But with my luck, now that I've actually made the appointment it will dissolve Thursday night just after it's too late to cancel the appointment to avoid the $50 fee that my doctor's office charges for missed/canceled (too short notice canceled, as they require 24 hour notice) appointments. But then again it's been there for two weeks and hasn't disappeared yet, so - who knows. I'm sure I'll be getting a phone call soon, instructing me not to tell Papa - so as not to stress him. Don't worry, I hadn't intended to. At least not until I find out what it is. Though it will more than likely be nothing. Better safe than sorry though, right?

Anyway - Just so you all know - I have decided to that Monkey is some one else's child. She is very bull headed and stubborn all of a sudden and I haven't the slightest idea where she got it from.

Easter

Well, it's a little late, but we hope your Easter was a good one, spent with family enjoying the day.

We didn't go to church even though I was off work. I'm not a huge fan of organized religion because I feel like I can talk to God all day everyday and don't need some one to tell me what he needs me to know. If I listen hard enough, I can hear him telling me.

Anyway - no easter egg hunt this year - she's not quite old enough to understand the concept anyway. But she was so stinkin adorable in her dress I'm kicking myself for not having brought my USB cable to work so I could upload pics to show you. But the plan is to have some professional photos taken in the dress soon, so I'll let you know when they've been done and when you can get yours.

Update on the day shift. I was offered a position on Friday to return to a day position. I declined it today (Monday). The position they offered would not let me do the things I do at night (dispatch, customer support, tech support, account management, alarm and sprinkler troubleshooting) - and all the things I get to do at night are the reason I love my job. I told the HR Lady this morning that I'd rather work the crappy hours and love my job than work during the day and hate what I do. She seemed relieved that they didn't have to try to find some one to work my shift. I know it was silly of me to not thought of that before I asked for a day shift - but I think I was just going through a rough spot with the baby and was stressed out. So - I'll continue to work nights and get to spend time with my kid and save money on child care. Yay!

Oh, Hi Daddy! (Since I gather that you're reading regularly. Check the dates on the posts before you ask about them too crazy man.)

Brain Juice

Ok, so, It's been a couple of days.

We have been ill. I thought that maybe Denise was leaking brain juice from her nose, the way snot was just running down her face. My tonsils were swollen and I had a fever. We also were both coughing and sneezing up a storm.

But, we're doing much better and I'm trying to get caught up on things - so I apologize for this post being so short - but, like I said I'm trying to get caught up on things because I missed 2 days of work and have LOTS to do.

Anyway - Have a good Day!

I Fell To My Knees...

I fell to my knees and asked God to take my trouble, and give me strength. He said to me "My child, you only call me in your time of need. If you would but let me in your life, your troubles would cease. You would have the strength to get through the day. Will you let me in your life?" I said yes, and cried. Tears of Joy.

Of Bugs and Jobs

As usual - nothing much new to report.

Monkey seems to have some kind of cold. Her nose has been running like a leaky faucet and she had a slightly elevated temp yesterday. Needless to say - no one got much sleep the other night. She and Gigi were up when I got home from work and it took me a good hour and a half to get her to go back down. Our nap was almost non-existent too. So neither of us were functioning well yesterday. Here's hoping that today will be a better day. Gigi and Baboo got her some children's Tylenol and she's had some, so I'll follow up with a couple doses tomorrow and hope that this bug goes away quickly.

Doesn't look like I'll be getting a day shift after all though. The company is not hiring any body right now, and is trying to look into getting some one to trade shifts with me - but I'm thinking that if they wanted to work nights, they already would be. I'll wait a little longer, but I'm not going to hold my breath.

I did get a job offer in Madison, AL - it's literally RIGHT next to the city that Linds and I vacation in when we go to Alabama. I didn't accept - but there wasn't any need to. The company that offered the position is also a fire suppression company and is one of my company's affiliate partners. They take care of a large portion of northern Alabama. The owner basically said that if I chose to move there he would be more than happy to offer me a position with his company. It was a serious offer - I checked, but I just can't logistically make it happen right now. Even if I could - I know only one person there and he is EXTREMELY busy all the time. I'd be lonely. I'm not up for building a new support network right now.

Can't remember the last time I updated about my uterine fibroids - but I'm on birth control now which should shrink the "6mm mass that is consistent with a uterine fibroid". There is no point in going to see my gynecologist as far as I'm concerned. He'll tell me the same thing that my doctor told me - there's no point in removing it since theres no guarantee that it wont come back, and it can be controlled with birth control. If I were considering having another child, and the fibroid was considerably larger - then removing it would be an option. As I am NOT (ever, ever again - no time soon. NO MAS BEBES!), and it is not, removing it is not an option.

Table Manners

Monkey uses forks/spoons on her own now (and she's pretty good at it)! It's amazing!!!!

Monday. Boo.

It's Monday - the beginning of my work week this week. I took yesterday off and ended up lazing around - though there was plenty I could and probably SHOULD have been doing.

Had my appointment on Friday and my doctor thinks I should go see a GYN for further treatment of the fibriod. Because it's apparently only one, and not very large either. I'm still not really clear as to why I need to go see a GYN specialist - but I'm dead broke for the moment so it wont be happening for a while. She did prescribe some birth control which may help shrink it.

Talked to an old high school friend and she said she'd watch Monkey for 200 every 2 weeks if the company were to allow me to go back to a day shift. So - now all thats left is for me to talk to my manager and see if he'd agree. I think I'll send him an email, because I dont ever see him - and he's rarely at his desk for me to be able to call him. But at least in the email I can draft, re-draft and then re-draft again to make sure it sounds good enough to convince him to let me go back to day shift. I'll be doing that tonight.

the post in which I write about me. and other things.

So first - as I know news spreads quickly in our family - I have uterine fibroids. But at the moment, this is all the info I have. I have a follow up appointment on Friday with my doctor-who-is-not-a-doctor-but-an-Advanced-Registered-Nurse-Practitioner- doctor here after called my doctor. Anyway - They've been causing me some seriously excruciating pain for the last month or so and I finally got them checked out. I suppose on Friday we'll come up with a plan of attack and figure out the best way to treat them for me. I'm not so big on surgery or the whole hormone therapy treatment. Surgery means I'll have to come up with my $1000 co-pay and I'm not made of money, and I don't have a money tree (By the way - can anyone tell me how to come by one of those? It could be extremely useful!). Hormone therapy means that I'll be taking testosterone and well, I don't want to sound or look like a man. When I know more, I'll share.

I'm also playing with the idea of asking my company if there are any day shift positions available. I'd need to find low cost, high quality child care first though. Night shift is getting harder and harder for me to cope with. Especially since the Monkey seems to think that her naps should be shorter. I looked into the Jacksonville children's commission and I make something like $3,000 too much to qualify for their program. So that's a definite no-go. I'm looking into some other options - but I need to talk to a couple people first.

Anyway - I suppose that's all for the night though.

Obligatory Pictures.

The top two pictures are older - the first was when she was about 10 months, the second one is from January. I guess she thought she was driving.

The bottom two are recent. The first was just today - I wanted to do something with her hair, and decided that I would try to put it in to pigtails - and it worked out wonderfully. The bottom is me - 2 Sundays ago at work. I cut and permed my hair - so here's the proof. Nice, huh?

Monkeys are Social Creatures.

Monkey has discovered that hanging out in Mommy's bed and terrorizing her pillows is TONS of fun. Except she never wants to put them back. Oh well, she's terribly cute.

We've discovered that she's a social eater. Meaning that unless some one is eating with her, she just wont eat. Strange little person she is. Really. But - I don't mind it terribly. It means that when we have something that resembles a normal schedule, I wont have much of a problem convincing her to sit down at the table every night for "family time".

Terrible Twos - and we haven't even made it to Two.

Why didn't any one tell me that the Terrible Two's starts WAY before the child actually reaches two? This would have been good info to have so that I could have mentally prepared myself.

I should have known that because Monkey was an absolute angel for her first 11 or 12 months of life that afterwards she was going to be more than a handful. I now have a head strong, stubborn, and mischievous 16 month old on my hands and I may just pull my hair out, or need to be placed in a padded room very soon.

NO, Don't do that, No Ma'am, You may Not, and I'll tan your little hide have absolutely no effect on the child (the last one may not work because she knows I wont actually do any hide tanning). We seem to be past the biting - which I'm ecstatic about (especially since I bit her back and thought it had no effect on her). But she is constantly trying to get into stuff or do things she know she shouldn't be. Like taking the toilet scrubber out of its holder and waving it around, or unplugging a lamp and trying to plug it back in. No amount of redirection works, and popping her hand doesn't cut it either. I've taken to shutting all the doors I possibly can and hiding as many outlets as possible and then gating her between our rooms. But she'll still turn off the TV or open all the drawers on my dresser and remove the clothing from them.

So just when do these Terrible Twos end? Because if they don't end soon she may not actually make it to two (I joke, I kid -but for serious, I'm losing it). And any ideas on better ways to keep her from making me insane would be greatly appreciated.

My Little Monkey

Moments like this

and this


...make me forget that she's become a very headstrong, independent, and down right stubborn child. And she's all mine!

Beware: Monkey Bites

Monkey has officially become a biter.

I had hoped that we would avoid behavioral problems like this one, but it seems that we will not.

Monkey bit me the other day and I told her no and popped her little butt. She cried, and then all was ok. Well, today she bit me again. She bit Gigi too, and left marks. So when she bit me, I bit her back. Because the only way I know to break a biter, is to bite them back. I didn't bite hard enough to leave marks, but just hard enough so that she would know I meant business. Ladies and Gentleman, that child looked at me like I was nuts and demanded that I put her down ("DOWN!"). She didn't even cry. Nothing.

Gigi and I talked about it some, and we honestly believe that her biting is a result of not being able to communicate with us in a way that we understand her. I have decided therefore, to commit myself to teaching us to sign. She already knows the sign for "all done" and uses it in the correct way (i.e - when she's finished eating she'll say "done" and then wipe her hands on each other to tell me she's all done). Today she learned to sign mommy (my absolute favorite one!), baby, and thank you. So - I'm hoping that by teaching her words that she's not able to speak yet, her frustration level will drop and then the biting will stop. Because, if not, I'm not sure what else to do. I can't keep biting her back if it doesn't phase her.

Psalms 91

A while back, I had seen a car with a license plate that had "PSALM91" on it. Two days before, I had a dream - all I can remember from the dream is that I was looking for something, and that Psalm 91 kept coming up. So I called Meister to see what Psalm 91 was about (I will admit that for being part of a very Christian family - in fact, my Papa pastored a church for as long as I can remember, I do not know much of the scripture.) She gave me a general idea.

I went home and looked it up.

Psalm 91

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. ^a]">[a]

² I will say ^b]">[b] of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling—
even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."

And instantly, I knew why I had had the dream. At the time I was involved in a relationship that I needed protection from. I could not save myself from myself and this helped me. Helped me to regain the strength I needed to step away from the relationship and demand the respect that I deserve.

Today, on my way to work, I saw the same car, with the same license plate. Obviously a sign. I started thinking about it and realized I am again, in need of His protection because I have strayed onto a path that I should not be on. I have once again backslid and forgotten that it is by His grace I have the things I have, am blessed to have the family I do, and am blessed to have the child I do.

No News is Good News.

God grant me the strength to accept the things I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have another unspoken prayer request. Pray for us please?

Not much new in our world. Save for Monkey's other grandparents (the donor's parents) are going to spend some time with her Friday night. I'm a little shocked about it - mostly because they had agreed about 3 weeks ago to start spending more time with her in order to try and coax her biological to spend time with her. They believe he does not spend time with her because he doesn't want to deal with me. I don't think that they realize how childish it is, but so be it. If it gives Monkey a chance to form a relationship with him, then I'm all for it. But I guess I didn't think that they'd make good on it.

Oh, and Monkey is ok with her potty now - she doesn't scream when she sits on it. Though, I do think we'll wait a bit longer to get really serious about potty training. I think it's too cold right now to have her wandering around in just panties and a shirt. Plus, she does not like socks - and Gigi has tile floors.

Photo Editing!

Soooo I created a flickr account tonight, because Blogger uses flickr and it makes posting pics easier.

Anyway, Flickr has this AMAZING photo editor - and well, here's some of the editing I did. (There's only 2 pics because it's a long process)

I know they're not AWESOME - but, they were fun to do! Hope you enjoy!

Saturday.

So - just thought I'd pop in and say Hi!

I bought Monkey a potty yesterday and she is terrified of the thing. No idea why. If you ask her if she wants to go sit on the potty, she'll run to the big people potty - but if you put her on it, she screams. If you put her on her potty, she screams. If you take the seat off her potty and put it on the big people potty, she screams. What to do?????

Anyway - nothing else exciting. Still hoping you guys have some potty training tips.

Potty Training the Monkey

My hiatus ended up being a little longer than I intended, yet I still have nothing really interesting to share with you.

Well, other than the fact that Monkey may be ready to potty train - which is a little scary for me. When she poops now she'll tell me "eww" which is what I tell her when I have to change the diaper. And obviously, this is a sign that we should start potty training. I'm a little daunted by this task, for the simple fact that my mom didn't have to potty train my brother or me, so she has no idea as to how to go about doing so. My other hang up with this is that she thinks that we should get an actual potty chair, but the whole emptying the potty chair thing is disgusting to me. I wanted to get the children's seat that sits on the bigger seat, because I wouldn't have to empty the container. Flush, and we're done.

Meister says both of her girls did well with the seat, probably because they thought that they were some body because they were using the big potty. But Mom seems to think that this would be uncomfortable for Monkey - but I think I agree with Meister on this one, simply because I know that Monkey likes to do things she sees me do. She won't let me go to the bathroom by myself, so she's seen me on the potty and I think if I were to buy her a seat, that she would think she's big stuff sitting on the big potty like Mommy.

I have decided to start the project next week. I don't expect big results immediately - simply because I know she's a bit young to start potty training. So, I think I'm a bit ahead of the game here. But do any of you have any ideas for potty training the Monkey? I'm a bit in the dark here, and want some good pointers before I jump headlong into this project. Any tips, pointers or ideas would be much appreciated!!!

Also - I have an unspoken prayer request. Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers please?

Hiatus....

Taking a short hiatus this weekend.

You will return to your regularly scheduled blog on Sunday (and hopefully, I'll have some pictures and some thing interesting to tell you).

For Sale

**FYI: THIS IS JUST A JOKE - I AM IN NO WAY SERIOUS!!**

FOR SALE:
One 15 month old adorable baby girl. She is not potty trained, or self sufficient. You must be at her beck and call for the next 18 to 21 years or so. She can talk, and sleeps through the night. She is really cute!!! Occasionally she is very cranky, and throws tantrums. But she's REALLY cute. Picture follows!

Please call: 904-555-555 for more info!



But seriously though, I need a baby sitter Friday night. There is a function I want to attend, and can't bring Monkey. Know anybody good???

That Man

The donor. Monkey's biological father. I am currently at my wit's end about him. He provides no type of support for her, in fact wants nothing to do with her. When I refused to have the abortion, he said that it would be a long, hard road for me - but he would help out where he could. We agreed then that I would not put him on child support so long as he spent time with her and provided things she needed. This worked out well - for about 2 months. Monkey is now 15 months old and since her birth he has given me maybe $200 for her care. He did buy $20 worth of baby food and 2 jumbo diapers.... when she was about 4 months old (I have since applied for child support - but the state is taking FOREVER). He was in jail when she was born, and the Department of Vital statistics rep said that I could not even so much as list him on her birth certificate with out him being present. He still has not changed that. I gave her my last name because it seemed that he had abandoned us anyway. After he got out of jail, he was adamant that I change her last name to his and I made it clear that he would need to do so - I would not. I wanted him to prove his worth of her. He has two other amazing daughters who he sees almost daily. He is a wonderful father to them, and loves them both dearly. Here, Ladies and Gentleman, is my problem. Those girls get to know their father, get to spend time with him and have a relationship with him. Why can't my daughter have the same? Those first couple months of her life I would call him daily and take her to see him. I always said to him, I'll bring her to you and pick her up, just let me know when you want her. I got really busy for a week, right after Monkey turned 3months old, I was looking for a job and had a few interviews lined up. After that week was over, I realized that he had not called me once to see her. So - instead of calling him, I decided to wait another week to see if he would call. The week passed and he didn't call. I realized then, that I was pushing her on him. I had decided before she was born that I would not chase behind him and make him do right by her, and meant it. So I called him and explained that if he wanted to be a part of her life, he needed to make an effort. He needed to call me and let me know when he wanted to see her. My offer still stood, I'd take her to him and pick her up. All he needed to do was let me know when he wanted to see her. A month went by and besides me calling him to ask for diapers, baby food, or money for day care - we didn't hear from him. Another month went by - and I stopped calling. He wasn't calling anyway. I was supporting her on my own and didn't need to beg him for what little money he could give me anyway. We argued a few times - about money, about him not spending time with her, about the injustice of it all. Halloween came and he took his other two daughters trick or treating in our parent's neighborhood. Ladies and Gentleman, he walked right by me (I had already taken Monkey home and put her to bed) and didn't even so much as blink. Nothing. Not "How was her first Halloween?" "Where is Monkey?" "Kiss Monkey for me." NADA. Her 1st birthday came around and I called to let him know about the plans - to invite him. He said he wouldn't be coming. He didn't want to deal with my family. We argued again. This time because I wanted to make it clear to him that this was about our daughter, not him, not me, not either of our families. He obviously didn't go for it because he didn't show up. His parents and sisters did - they even brought his other two children and his girlfriend's son (which I am a little upset about - but I digress...) A couple days later I called him again - I was livid. He had missed her birthday, all her 1st year milestones, and still hadn't even called to tell her Happy Birthday. An argument ensued - and he said he didn't want to talk to me. Three months later I've spoken to him twice and he wont budge. I'm torn, because I feel I've done all I can with out losing my sanity, but I feel like I should do more. Monkey is eventually going to ask questions and I'm not sure I can trust myself to be a decent person and not bash him. I don't think its fair that the other two children get to know him and have a relationship with him, but my daughter does not. She wouldn't know him from Adam if she saw him. What do I do? Do I keep trying to contact him for my daughters sake? Or do I leave it alone and hope like hell she doesn't ask questions one day? Help me out.... I'm lost....

A nice Indian boy.

Friday afternoon, Monkey and I paid a visit to my Trinidadian Mother and Grandmother. It was overall a good visit - but I must share part of the visit with you. I'm sincerely amazed with myself for bringing one of our subjects of discussion up - and then whole-heartedly deciding to submit my self to said topic.

Upon a conversation with a sweet Guyanese girl I know - I found out that since her mother passed, her father has been actively trying to find a nice Indian boy for her to marry. How you ask? Well, he put her on an Indian matrimonial website. She suggested that I submit myself to my elders and let them to the same for me so I could be "tortured" as she was. It's sort of a modern twist on arranged marriage. One of the prospective bride/grooms elders puts a picture and short bio on the site and then lists themselves as the contact. The elders contact each other and set up a meeting so that the families can meet, and the two young people can meet, and get a general feel for each other. From there, the prospective bride and grooms families either continue deliberations or don't. You get the general idea, yes? Ok. Well, I brought this up to my Trini mother, and then half-jokingly, half-seriously suggested that she do the same for me. Then a conversation ensued regarding the necessary qualities that the nice indian boy should have. Here is our list as it stands.

Nice Indian boy qualities:
1. He and his family must be Christian. I will not become Hindu, and will not marry a Hindu man because if we have children, they will not be raised as Hindus.
2. He must know that I have a child and that she is my WORLD. He must agree to treat her as his own, because if he can not love her, I can not love him.
3. He must be between 25 and 30. This is the perfect age range for me, because by this age surely the prospective groom has figured out what he wants in life and is ready to have a partner to share these things with. Over 30, the age difference is too much.
4. He must be American born or have come to the states at a young age. This way, he is used to the American way of thinking and American ways of life. In this way, he will have his parents morals, but not necessarily their views on all things.
5. He must be tolerant of tattoos. I have 6 and am NOT willing to have them lasered off my body.
6. He should be Trinidadian. This is my Trinidadian grandmother's rule. Not sure why, but for now, it sounds fine.
7. His parents must live in the states. Trinidad and Guyana are expensive to travel to and I can not afford to go back and forth several times a year.
8. He must have a big family and be very family oriented. The big family is optional, but he must be family oriented. My family is large and I love all of them dearly. I would like the same qualities in my husband-to-be.

There may have been other requirements, but I can't remember them. (Ma, you're welcome to help me out in remembering here.....)

In this way, I'll find a husband whom my family likes, and will be a nice boy. Besides, I won't have to do much of the work at all. Ma has agreed to be the contact, and will put me on the site. When ever she should find the time.

Can you think of any qualities that my nice Indian boy should have??? What do you think about this??? Comment or email me.

Happy Sunday Loves!

This sucks, but I wouldn't take it any other way.

I've finally realized that being a single parent truly sucks.

I work nights so that Monkey doesn't have to go to day care and so that I know that she is well cared for when she is not with me. The other major reason that I work nights is because well, I just plain can't afford day care. I was trying to work on a plan the other night so that I can move back out of my mom's house, and live on my own. I ran into quite a few obstacles.

First, I realized that I really can't afford more than a one bedroom apartment. Which is not SO bad, just means that Monkey and I would be crammed into a bedroom. Then it dawned on me that as long as I'm depending on some one I live with to watch Monkey, I can never live on my own because of my crazy work schedule. So then I thought about trying to switch back to a day shift position and found my self back at the day care dilemma. If I work during the day, who's going to watch her? Would they watch her for free? Because if not, then I cant live on my own and I'd basically be working to put her in day care. No matter what I do, I simply am stuck in the situation I'm in.

Now, lets say I WAS receiving child support (I can only dream and wish that this might one day come to pass). Even 2 or 3 hundred a month would seriously cut down on the amount that I'd have to pay for child care and would possibly allow me to work day shift again. But, I've realized that child support from the donor may NEVER happen. He doesn't have a job, hasn't had one since I was about 4 months pregnant (Monkey is now 15 months old). Not only that, child support is going to be a long process through the state since he is not on her birth certificate (long story, though please know I would have put him on it had the hospital allowed me to). Not only that, they dropped my case the last time I asked for support saying that I was non-cooperative. They hadn't even sent me any letters asking for information, so I'm still not sure why they dropped my case. It may have something to do with the fact that one of his aunts works for Child support. Well that's my theory anyway. I have since re-applied for child support and am waiting on them to send me another packet.

But let us be perfectly clear - I enjoy every moment I am blessed to spend with my happy, healthy 15 month old. I love that I can spend all day with her and her last 2 1/2 waking hours of the day are spent with my parents. I am in no way saying that I do not enjoy her or that I do not love her. I am simply saying that this sucks, though I wouldn't take it any other way. I get to parent her the way I feel she should be parented, I do not have to compromise with any one on anything when it comes to raising her little butt.

I have an awesome family who always rally around us when things are hard or even when things are just a bit uneasy. Because of them I've never truly felt the worst hardships of single parenting. I do still experience the occasional "It is nearly impossible to do this alone" break downs, but - they don't last long because as I've stated, my family rallies around us and the burden is eased, if not lifted. But - I do not rely on them for financial support and try to reject it as often as possible. Her financial support is solely my responsibility - I brought her into this world and will provide for her no matter what the cost is. Thus the situation I'm in.

So, yes....

This single parenting thing sucks, but.....

I wouldn't take it any other way.

Monkey tantrums and language skills

I was so sick yesterday. So that's why there was no update. I threw up all day, and had horrible diarrhea. (You wanted to know that, I know, that's why I shared - You're welcome!). Whatever it was seems to have been a 24 hour thing because I'm fine now. Monkey didn't get it, so it's all good.

I really need to make plans to see all of you - Monkey is already growing up so fast. She's starting to understand (and follow through with) basic commands and reward systems. Like the other night we were trying to get her to put some clothes on (she likes to run around in just a diaper, sans clothes) and she wanted some gummy bears. Gigi told her to come see me to get some clothes on and then she could have some candy. The little monster came and found me in her room and as soon as she had some clothes on, she ran back to Gigi. Its awesome. Now if I could just get her to understand that throwing a tantrum is the quickest way to irritate me, everything would be perfect.

And don't you sit there, shaking your head at me like "No, Monkey is perfect, she doesn't throw tantrums. She just can't be capable. She's a little angel." Cause, let me tell you what, she's not, and she does. I'll have to get a video of one and post it for you - I think they're hilariously cute and usually laugh at her - which seems to upset her even more. But they're tantrums none the less and must be dealt with accordingly. I try to ignore her when she throws them - simply because I don't want her to think that she can throw a fit and get what she wants. Gigi's on the plan, but it's going to take a bit of work to get Babu on board. He seems to think every time she even so much as whimpers that he should go running to her to find out what's wrong. She takes advantage of it too. So - it's some thing that we're going to have to work on.

As of today here's the list of things the little Monkey can say:
no, yeah, go, down, nose, eyes, ears, belly, juice, ow, hii-yah (don't ask, but do know I had nothing to do with it) monkey, baby, hello, babu, gigi, mama, shoe, bath, done (she also signs all done), fishy.....
I think that's it. There may be more - but I simply can not remember them all. All the body parts that she can say, she can also show you where they are.

Weekend Update!

SoOoOo...

My weekend was uneventful. As usual.

I did some major cleaning Sunday night and may have breathed a few too many Mr. Clean fumes.

I also did some catching up on some of the blogs I read and read that one of the ladies new born baby girl was born with a cehalocele. Basically a defect where the child's skull did not fuse all the way and sometimes there can be parts of the brain in the fluid filled tumor. Luckily, there was no brain in the tumor and can be remedied by surgery. She's distraught by the idea of her newborn undergoing surgery - quite understandably. I realized then just how LUCKY I am to have been blessed with a completely healthy baby girl.

Oh - and the poll has been closed so now the little one's new blog nick name is Monkey. I must now announce that the Monkey is completely self sufficient. Well - she thinks she is anyway. She WILL NOT eat if she can't feed herself. I also realized this weekend that the majority of her frustration and crying comes from her trying to communicate what she wants and us not being able to understand her. So I have decided to commit myself to learning more sign language and teaching it to her, thus saving us both some frustration. She was given a Baby Einsteins First Signs dvd by Aunt Pearly for Christmas, so I'll be putting that to use.

Suzie Ma and her mother are in town until Saturday so we'll be going to visit them this week while they're here. Suzie also reminded me that I am now legal and don't need any type of parental permission to go and visit other countries *cough, Trinidad* *cough, Guyana*. So I'll be looking into my passport soon and seeing what I can do to get that in motion. Now to find someone to go to Guyana with me.... Hmmm.... Any volunteers????

For your viewing pleasure....

Back to Two.

So - its back to just me and the little one again. Boyfriend Crazy, who is now the ex, left today.

It was weird going home. Things were much quieter and seemed odd. I know its because he became a part of our daily routine and now he's not part of it. Things are just weird. I have a knot in my stomach and I know that its irrational and will go away, but I dont like it.

Anyway - not much new with the two of us. Except that we're putting the little one back on milk. Seems it is not the cause of her poo issues, so back to milk.

She's such an amazing little person. I'm truly blessed to have her.

Closer.

There's a couple things open that need to be updated sooooo here you go.

First - Have you voted??? Do so. Now. Please and Thank you.

Second - We went to the pediatrician today - Baby Crazy does NOT have diabetes or hypo/hyperglycemia. Good. She still is not pooping on her own and so we're going to keep her on milk of magnesia. Bad. I hate giving her a laxative every day. She got a couple shots she was due for and was generally unhappy about them. But she finally weighs 20lbs. So she gained like a pound and some thing since November. Woo-hoo!

Third - I finally figured out the situation with the boyfriend. I decided that it wasn't worth it for either of us to stay in the relationship. I'm not happy and its not fair to him to be in a relationship with some one who doesn't love him the way he should be. So - I called it quits today. He took it pretty hard and made me feel pretty bad, but for the first time, I was firm and stood my ground instead of giving in.

Lastly - Can you people comment??? I know you're reading! I've even opened up the comments so that you can comment anonymously. So please do so. I'd love to hear from you. Besides, if you had a blog then I'd leave you some love. Really, I would.

Update.

Well - we didn't get in to see the pediatrician today. I called around 9 and they were already slammed for the day. So I set up an appointment for tomorrow morning at 9:15.

The head nurse said something about having to "bag" her. I had no idea what she was talking about so like the village idiot I am I said "Ok" and then made sure I didn't have make Baby fast. I talked to Mom later and asked her what the nurse had meant and she proceeded to tell me that she thinks the nurse meant giving the baby a catheter.......

My poor baby. I feel horrible now. Especially since if I'm just over-reacting I'll have made her go through a catheter for NO REASON. I almost don't want to take her now. I know I need to, but I don't want to.

So..... I'll update after the appointment.

Pictures, for your viewing pleasure!

Poll

is up. Its on the side bar under About Me.

Vote!!!!

If it aint one thing....

its another.... Really....

Yesterday I went in to wake up the baby from her nap - and she was CRANKY and seriously shaky. I mentioned it to Mom and decided to give her some juice and a snack - after the snack she was fine.

Then - 230am this morning apparently she woke up screaming like she was terrified and was shaking badly. Mom said she seemed a little shaky - Mom gave her some peanut butter and some orange juice and she was fine and went back to sleep.

What does this all sound like??? DING DING! YOU GOT IT! Sounds like her sugar levels dropping.

So I'm calling the pediatrician tomorrow to see if we can get her in and convince him to test her sugar. I'm concerned because diabetes runs in both my maternal and paternal sides - and it also runs in her dad's family - maternal and paternal.

I spoke with one of my Aunts today because her daughter has type 1 diabetes and I wanted to see if she had any info or anything that I should be looking for. I found out some interesting info - and also found out that SOME poo issues can be related to diabetes. Huh. Who knew?

Anyway - I'll be updating tomorrow and letting you all know how it went.

Thanks again to Aunt Neesie for the WONDERFUL info! AWESOMENESS!!!

Also - from here on out, I am changing the baby's nickname on this blog 'Baby Crazy' is too much to write and I almost always type it wrong or forget part of it.... I'm going to put up a poll so you can vote =) So vote and let me know what you think it should be for blog purposes.

Oh - I got my hair cut the other day too.... Read all about it here. I will post a pic for you too.

Guidance???

I'm in a situation that I don't know how to handle - and I need to vent....

So - when I got with my current man - I was CONVINCED that he was my last, my one, my only. But.... I guess I wanted what that represented so badly I made myself believe that there was something there that isn't. I did honestly feel that heart-crushing love for two months and loved every-minute of it. But now I don't feel it. I find it harder every day to find some level to connect with him on. We are two VERY different people. I don't love him the way I should love some one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I don't really know what I should do either. I know he loves me - and I know that breaking up would hurt him badly, but I can't see staying with him and not being happy. I feel repressed.

Intellectually he is not my equal and it makes it really hard to have conversations about anything other than domestic things. That may sound horrible, but it's the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts. I love to read and he thinks its stupid - which is also a problem, reading is where knowledge comes from.

He's great with the baby - but he gets frustrated too easily and if some thing EVER happened to the little person.... well....let's just not go there.

I have love for him, but I'm not in love with him. I could very well see myself being friends with him, but not his wife.

I don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy.....

This is also posted on my other blog - I posted it here too because I need some help here....

Soooo here it is =)

So I was reminded (read: reprimanded) yesterday about this blog. My aunt sent me an e-mail reminding me that I've been neglecting this poor thing. I suppose she's right - I have been. But in my defense - I was on vacation and - I try to post daily to my other blog.

Anyway....

Hmmm. Goings-on in our lives.....

Like I said - I took a short vacation this past weekend and went up to Redstone Arsenal, Alabama with the Bestie. We had a good time - sans kids. Missed the kid horribly, but managed to have a good time anyway. While I was away the Baby Crazy started doing more amazing stuff that I don't get to witness because it's all part of her evening/bedtime routine. But I'll share - because I'm not greedy. Apparently after dinner when they take her out of her high-chair she pushes it back to the wall where it lives. If you ask her if she's ready to take a bath she runs to the bathroom door (which is always shut) and removes her clothes. Also - if she's in her room playing and you're not there she'll come and get you and drag you by the finger and take you to her room. She's also started saying "Hello" every time she hears the front door close. Its hilarious! No more teeth yet - which I'm a little concerned about, but I suppose I wont worry about it until we see the pediatrician next - which may be soon if we can't get her off the milk of magnesia.

I got home and she was all snuggly and cuddly for like 2.5 seconds - but I suppose that's normal for her.

Oh - I did my taxes! Ok - so Mom did them, I watched her. Have you started getting your stuff together for yours???? Hmm??? Might want to get on that then. Lol.

Sooooo yeah. There it is. Thats all thats going on right now. I'll write more later/tomorrow.

Parenthood....

I'm feeling down today.... Check out the reasons why here

Because I'm lazy and don't feel like typing it all over again.....


Also - my blogroll has grown exponentially. One of these days I'm going to update it on here and add all the blogs I read. The ones that I really admire are already on here....

Sorry....

I know, I know.

I've been neglecting my poor blog.

However, if it's any comfort - we're boring. Nothing really has been going on.

Soooooo here's a quick HI!

and.... We're doing well!

Bye!

Facebook

Ladies and Gentleman.....

I am just now catching up on whats going on with Facebook and the breast-feeding pics issue. I have decided that I will be deleting my Facebook account because I am a supporter of breastfeeding and don't think that the pictures of women nursing should be deleted. Its rude - nursing is a natural and beautiful thing!!!!

A couple articles I found through another blog about the issue can be found here and here. Also here.

What say you???? Obscene or not??? And if you have Facebook, are you deleting???

Moving.

So.... We're moving.

It was a hard decision to make - but.... Now that it's been made, I feel WAY better.

We are now to be found at a previous address - Gigi Crazy's! (She's ABSOLUTELY thrilled, by the way!)

Christmas Pics!

Sword fighting Christmas Eve - This may become a new tradition!



Opening Baby Crazy's secret santa gift from our NNM friend Kristen! (Thank you again, by the way!)
Christmas Morning!
Yes, the shiny bow on the head was COMPLETELY necessary!
The haul from Gigi's house.

I think she had had enough of the camera at this point. Quite the face though, huh?


I know they're late. But they're up now. Certainly worth the wait in my opinion!